the party you are trying to reach has been disconnected. goodbye!!

Over the course of several days, weeks, months, years, I've come to realize a lot of things, and come to forget many others. I've come to see things for what they truly are, and all the while question my own perception of them. I've come to think about myself, but never really think about myself. I find it interesting, actually, the extent to which this carries itself out, the extent to which I am quite confused, or more so, empty minded. I'm not experiencing a strenuous sense of overpoweringly conflicting emotions in my mind, I am not confused. Empty minded, not so much in the sense where I've come to grow dumb and shallow, but more so in the sense where I feel a literal emptiness in my mind, akin to confusion, not confusion. A blankness, one that may forbid you from getting up from your seat, from understanding any perplexing desire and urge, from realizing what you must realize or seeing that there was never anything to realize in the first place, but that's too simple, what got me in this state of emptiness in the first place. I don't think it's a bad thing, not at all, nothing ever is really. It's more so a state of mind, a place to be engulfed in a sea of empty thoughts, no intangibly tangible thoughts, but a blanket around my heart, a very warming feeling and state of mind, one like being thrown into the outskirts of a forest in the middle of the night, but you're not alone, you have blankets, and you could make a fire if you try hard enough. You won't die, it's not that dangerous, fearful quite, but also calming, you have nowhere to be and nothing at all to do or think about. You could, however, think, if you want to, but no thoughts come out really. I think the voice that makes its way around my physical being every so often, but not too often, tells me to turn once more to art, to the sole means of expression that need not benefit from any modern day advances or additions, to one that hands no favorability to the louder of the bunch, or, quite similarly but not always the less authentic. bye

INFP

I realized several things about myself today—some that I already knew but took it upon myself to forget, and some that I maybe never really thought about, or tried to unconsciously (but really, consciously) deny. I allow myself to be influenced by certain individuals. I go through phases of this, choosing different people each time, emulating their lifestyles and taking every word they say as if it were the word of my beloved god printed in gold in the humble holy bible. Then if I ever have another thought or idea, or especially desire that may conflict with their teachings or sayings, I start to guilt myself for it and immediately repress it as something that person would not agree with. As I write this out, I realize how ridiculous it seems. Writing that sentence, choosing consciously not to cuss and use the word "ridiculous" made me realize another thing. The main reason I felt so inclined to write many previous posts where I made it a goal to cuss in every other sentence was probably because I felt so restrained from doing that in my daily life, because of how others might react to my otherwise angelic image poetically pronouncing a curse word out loud. When you deny yourself the right of having a piece of chocolate cake, you want it that much more. When I denied myself the ability to speak freely, I wanted it that much more. But as I slowly and subtly got that out of my system, I realized that I don't really enjoy the act as much as I thought I did. I just hated the feeling of not being able to say it because of how others had perceived me to be throughout the years. When you allow yourself to have that chocolate cake whenever you want, you see you start to want it less and less, but it's always there if you ever do.
    I realized today that I'd been so obsessively following a certain individuals sayings for the past few months that I'd become almost obsessed with cycling, exercise, fitness and practicality, so much so that I had completely neglected things in my life that brought me pure joy and satisfaction; art, design, photography, writing, yoga, cooking, baking... I had almost labeled those things as "unproductive" because they did not  require much physical movement on my part and were therefore, useless to do. I slowly started ridding my closet of clothes and simplifying my previously decorative and rambunctious fashion sense into one of a more athletic and practical nature. I always had these thoughts arising in my mind as to whether or not my clothing was a shallow sign of greed and luxury, or a humble yet thorough expression of the inner creativity which has been waiting to be expressed within me these last few months. I unconsciously chose the former to begin with, but it took awhile to reach today, where I accepted the latter as true. And with the thought that I would go back to doing all the things I previously loved to do, I attained a very cozy and comforting feeling in my stomach, the kind I get when I hug myself and curl up underneath blankets to watch an episode of John Oliver's "Last Week Tonight" on HBO (yes, politics are all the rage in my life. not really, but I love that show). And that's when you truly know that what you're doing is right, when you FEEL it within you. That's why I always say heart and feelings over logic and rational when making decisions, no matter where they lead you.
    I realized a few days ago something that I knew many many years ago, but always felt bad about accepting or admitting. I love feeling special. I love being different and having people notice that. I love standing out and having attention on me for being different or unique. I love being the best at things, at what I do, at most things really. I want to be the best. I want to be the one that stands out, the one that's different. And I've always felt so bad about it, as if I'm entitled or deserving of something more than everyone else. But then I started to get angry about having to deny something that I feel like is such an integral part of who I am and plays a huge role in almost every single thing I do. I knew that I loved the feeling of being different even in little ways a while ago, when I would do subtle things like dress in strange ways or always try to do something different for a writing or art assignment. But I always felt bad about it, mainly because of the way other people made me feel, claiming I was doing it to get attention or directly "to be different" (sitting on the floor was another one of my acts). Well guess fucking what, I WAS. Obviously I was doing it to be different. Obviously when I try to do an art assignment different from anyone else's, I'M TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT. And here's what I'm thinking now: why wouldn't anyone want to be different? I get that some people just love fitting in and following a crowd (even though I feel like most grow out of that) but in any other case why wouldn't you want to be special? Why wouldn't you want to be your own unique individual, different from everyone else? I always thought, why do I get to be special/different? Why me and not anyone else? Well because I want to, and I choose to. I think most people do want to feel special and have attention, but deny it most of the time, making them come off as fake and hypocritical when they act in ways that are designed to draw attention and express their uniqueness. I think it's when we learn to accept our inner and I'll even go as far as saying NATURAL desire to be different that we can truly be real with ourselves and others, and not throw guilt or shame on ourselves for being who we want to be and doing what we want to do. Just a little situation that made me realize my desire to be different was a few minutes ago when I decided to retake the Myer's Brigg personality test, which I'd taken a few months ago and gotten INFP, quite a rare personality type. I loved it. I loved the fact that it was rare and different and not many people had it, and I was SO THREATENED to take it again and get something else, something more COMMON. I didn't want it, but decided to take it again anyways as a means of accepting whatever I got and whoever I'd turned into within these months (I'm really being overdramatic. It's just a personality test and doesn't really determine who you are or label you in any way, but I do find it quaintly accurate). Anyways, I got the same thing.
    I realized today after taking the personality test and continuing on to read a little bit about my personality type that I love feeling understood as an individual and it's not often at all that it happens. I realized this as I was reading things about the INFP personality type that I identified so dearly with, and almost wanted to cry. I think I've cried before when reading things about myself or in general things I could relate to and felt so understood. It's not often that it happens at all. As I'm typing this I realize how much I've missed writing, thinking, exploring my thoughts and feeling so special with my thoughts. Yes I feel special. Come kill me right now so your own individuality and power isn't threatened.
     I'm continuing this a few days later. I love crying. I love crying when I'm sad, but especially when I'm happy. I'm slowly working on accepting myself, or moreso trying to remember who I am from how I used to be or what things make me cry. I watched an America's Got Talent audition in the morning, where a very passionate Italian man from Long Island (I hope you've formed the perfect stereotype in your head, because that's exactly how it was) auditioned, got sent through, and passionately hugged his cousin/brother (I don't remember) and family. My mom said "you're like that", in reference to the hugging, and the passion, the excitement, and the love they felt for each other. And I started crying. I realized that I am like that. I've always been like that. I've always loved, I've loved people, I've loved excitement and passion, feeling happy, looking forward to things or showing joy and enthusiasm towards others or events. I remember my young self, always jumping on people and hugging them, wanting to talk to them, laugh with them, play with them. I remember the years that part of me slowly started to fade away and why. It was my fault, everything is my fault really, whether good or bad. However I'll explain what exactly I was reacting to. I had a friend that I'd known since kindergarten, and I always showed my enthusiasm and love towards her. I was a happy person, and she didn't necessarily make as much of an effort to show the same. She always attempted to kill my enthusiasm, which evidently annoyed her greatly. She turned down my requests to play, my hugs, my happiness. And I allowed that to affect me. I was too young then and not yet knowledgable enough to allow the meaningless words and comments of others to stop me from being who I was. Silly me! It took a while, it took several other people, family members, friends, anyone, to act in similar ways—to make me slowly and gradually realize that I was putting a lot more effort into others than they were into me. That my stream of daily ignored texts or laughter that resulted in the annoyance of others and love that resulted in passive responses was possibly a weakening of my own character—that from an outsider's perspective, I was the one deserving of pity, the one who put all her effort into others, events, tasks, only to get not even half of it in return. I started to base my life around how it looked to an outsider's eye. In more simple words, I lived my life based on what others would think of me. That was where I made possibly the biggest mistake of my life, to this point. Hopefully I'll make bigger ones later, and blog about them as well. It was this past year that this way of living life was at its extreme, where I began to show little enthusiasm, love, joy, passion, so as to not make myself vulnerable or susceptible to rejection. And it is true, it's not a great thing to feel. The one thing I never realized however, is that when I was small, my enthusiasm and love was never for the intention of eliciting a similar response in others. No expectations were tied to my glimmering laughs and smiles. I showed love and passion and enthusiasm because it's what I wanted to do, it's what I loved doing and what made me happy. I didn't care much how others responded, but after years of surrounding myself with people who did not always respond similarly, I did allow it to get to me. I needed to change my surroundings, change my friends to people who enjoy being with me just as much as I enjoy being with them, and I'm still trying to accept the fact that that's even possible anymore—that's how much I've allowed all these constant rejections to get to me. I now feel like it's almost impossible to find someone like that, but I'll let you know if I do. I still feel that love for people, I still feel that passion towards life, it never really left me, just hid behind an ego formed by the many demands of society and a slightly lacking surrounding of people. And now what I have to work on is bringing that out of me again, not worrying about how I'm perceived by an outside eye, and most of the time, not acting to elicit a certain response, but rather because that is how I want to act. (I realized this last paragraph may be slightly unrelated, but it's also part of the trend of realizations I'm having about myself) (also I forgot to mention that the video I watched also made me realize how much I LOVE Italy. I've always felt like it's a fake sort of love, one everyone slightly has towards the main-stream, towards Europe and places other than where they currently are. But I don't think so, I think it's different.)
Here's the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g--5NH8E9Wc

I'm surrounded by airheads

At this point I'm pretty much counting the fucking seconds until school is done and I can move on with my life, move on from all the materialistic shallow imbeciles I'm surrounded with, go to New York and meet some down-to-earth people who have a deeper meaning/purpose in life besides the way they look, whether they can pinch the fat on their arms/stomach, the pimple they just got on their face or their social status. I can't really remember the last time I had an intellectual conversation with someone, and I think that's so fucking sad. Especially after coming from 10th grade which was basically an entire year full of just that, I'm having serious withdrawal symptoms. The two people I had convos like that with are pretty much done with that shit and moving on to "bigger and better things". And prom ohhh fucking PROM. Basically a popularity contest, makes people feel like ABSOLUTE SHIT if they don't have a date, and gets them going INSANE to find one so they don't look like the "loser" and the very important people in their lives don't think of them and say "how sad". It's actually ridiculous, the way these people are trying to find dates for prom. They don't even care who they go with at this point as long gas they have a date who's at least slightly cool or socially acceptable and a little good looking. God forbid they go with a nice guy who's ugly and unpopular; whew that would severely drop their (already low) social status. Any who, I'm probably not going to go to that shit either ha. So where was I. Oh ya okay I hate the people around me. They're not necessarily bad people or anything, but they're just absolutely stupid and shallow. They don't have stimulating conversations, they're after nothing else in life but looks, money and success/fame. They never talk about their present moment, their futures (in a non-shallow way), ideas/thoughts. The main topics of their conversations are people from other schools, how others look, celebrities, looks in general, and rude/annoying/stupid jokes. Ya sometimes if I'm in a super positive happy shit mood then I'll laugh along, think "they're not that bad" and really they're not, they're not bad, they're just not good. The phrase "I'm losing brain-cells" is usually over-exaggerated or not literal but in this case I honestly think it applies. These last few months at school I've been getting stupider, more shallow, superficial, obsessed with how I look, and fucking annoyed at how everyone has all these random shit friends that they meet or these random shit guys that they're "talking to" three at a time and obsessed with, instead of working on themselves and bettering who they are. But no in all honesty they can do whatever they want. They're not the problem. The problem is that I'm surrounded by them when I don't want to be. And I find it really hard to "better myself" when these idiots around me drown me (that's a poem! that's a really nice fucking poem!) with their shallow, petty concerns. I need to remind myself this occasionally: THERE IS A LOT MORE TO LIFE THAN ALL OF THAT SHIT. THAT SHIT SHOULDN'T EVEN BE CONSIDERED A PART OF LIFE.
Okay I just had another random thought. This weekend I was hanging out with my friend and used the word "asshole" in a sentence, which, now that I think about it I probably shouldn't have done because it sounded stupid anyways, but she made me feel so uncomfortable about it. So note to self: when I go to New York and meet new people for the first time, I'm not going to tell them I'm vegan and I'm going to casually cuss as much as I can initially so I never build an awkward barrier around that. Gonna try to come off as liberal/hippie as possible (which I am, but most people still think I don't know a lot of shit that I actually do, and would be uncomfortable to bring it up around me). Anyways, basically, I want to make people feel as comfortable around me as possible. Does that contradict with what I'm going to do to make that happen? I'm not sure hm.
This doesn't mean that every single person around me is an airhead imbecile. Actually, there are a few people that I really like and love the way they think. Only problem is that they're way higher up than me in the holy social ladder and I'm basically like a piece of lint to them. You know, lint, like some days when you feel like it you clean it off the dryer sheet and some days you just forget about it. Either way, YOU DON'T CARE. And ya I'm over making fucking attempts to even talk to them and get them to be my friends because GUESS WHAT! They have their own friends who are right there next to them on their thrones of popularity and fame and they have no fucking desire to make new ones (especially with peasants like me hahahahaha).
So ya...gonna try and surround myself with slightly different people at least these next few months I'm still stuck here. Until then... "we sit and wait", but once that time comes, ADIOS BITCHES.

resolute my life

I remember shunning New Year's Resolutions last year. How stupid, waiting for the new year to finally get that "bikini body", become a better person (yah sure), and have a kale shot every single morning. But really it was so much pressure. You had a few days to come up with how you were going to completely turn your life around, and before you knew it, once the clock struck midnight, you had to almost automatically implement all your changes perfectly, and if you messed up even once, well, better off waiting for next year to start over on a clean slate. Okay maybe that was just me being paranoid, but anyways.
This year I thought it'd be fun to actually have some, and not be as paranoid about it you know. So I think I texted mine to my friend, but I keep forgetting most of them. So I thought, you know, let me write them down. I might even come up with a few more throughout this process. And I know that if I mess up (which I kind of have maybe), it's fine. It's a work in progress and it's gonna take time and we have to do it slowly and all that bs (even though it's true). Okay her they are.

-be more positive, as in see the bright side of things, as in don't let small things get to me or make assumptions
     This is probably three different things but I put it into one because otherwise that long list would've discouraged me. Basically, when my mom comes home with a bag of almonds that she bought for $8.99 a pound when I could get them from another store for $5.99, instead of thinking "oh my god this lady doesn't care about anything why is she even buying almonds I don't need them", I think "wow that's so sweet of her, going to the store to buy almonds for me after work". And maybe I mention that they sell them cheaper at the other store for next time. But if she makes a face then I won't mention it.
     Now I think the assumption thing is a good one, and kind of ties in with not letting small things get to me. If my friend doesn't answer my text even though she read it, I don't assume that she hates me, or is annoyed of me. Really, who even cares? I'm making such a big deal out of it. If it becomes a constant act, I just don't talk to her as much and move on, instead of beating MYSELF up about it. When I meet new people, I don't automatically assume they're going to think I'm weird, or quiet, and not like me. And I don't go with the assumption that they already think they're better than me, or they're complete bitches who are only there to judge me. I go in with almost a careless attitude like hey, I'm meeting new people nice.

-don't base every living moment of my life on what others might think of it.
     Should I raise my hand and ask this question, or will people think I'm showing off? Should I say my opinion, or will people ignore me and think I'm pretentious? Should I go to this party that I want to go to, or will people question why I'm even there? (this one is questionable). Should I just sit alone here and wait for my friend to come back, or should I walk away and find another friend or look busy so people don't think I'm a loner? WHO THE FUCK CARES. Honestly. Why have I been wasting such a big part of my life worrying about the stupidest things ever. I've kept myself from doing so much just because of what people might say. Literally, I don't ask questions in class because of this, even because people are used to me being generally quiet and might question why I'm even talking. So what I'm gonna try to do is literally not give a single shit about what others might think. Sure it'll make some people annoyed of me, it'll make some not like me, but it'll also attract others who do like me, my thoughts, my opinions and my goddamn questions in calculus class.

-don't stick onto (too much) this image I've formed and let it hold me back.
     Sure, I'm known as the quiet one, the often silly one, the sarcastic one, the smart one, the hippie/creative one (I like that one). Let me tell you, I'm not quiet. The only reason people think I'm quiet is because I DON'T LIKE THEM AND THEIR JUDGMENTAL ASSES. I'm also known as the one who never cusses (they don't hear me at home speaking Armenian) but no one knows about this blog. If they did they'd immediately draw attention to me cussing, make me feel uncomfortable about it like I just popped out of the womb and started singing contemporary rock. I don't like it when people cuss every second, when every other word that comes out of their mouths is a cuss word. They're really diminishing the value of the words, in my opinion. And literally the only single reason I don't cuss is because the immature imbeciles in my class will overreact to the max about it (even my friends which pisses me off the most). Like I'm some sort of angel child who cusses to look tough and fit in. Then what the fuck are you? So back to my far away point. I'm going to try my hardest to ignore this image others have created of me (and I've somewhat created of myself too) and act however I feel like acting. This'll be so much easier once I graduate though, and move to New York and start over. I've never really understood that feeling of starting over so much until now, and I'm honestly so excited to get the fuck out of here (I'll be sad too though).

-join a dance class. go in without assumptions. don't be shy AT ALL, I MEAN IT. AT ALL. Go in and dance because you really love dancing. Don't spend every second of class thinking about how you're doing something so awkwardly and how everyone is(n't) judging you. Talk to the people there. Don't assume they're pretentious spoiled brats.
     There's a class today. I finally found a place that's okay and fits most of my preferences (but I don't think there are guy dancers, which I was kind of hoping for so I could have a duet with one of them once I got better. Inspired after watching this masterpiece of a dance.

-not be cheap
     Short and simple. I'm cheap. I used to spend (waste) so much money and stupid clothes that I really didn't need. For almost a year now, I've become minimalistic kind of, haven't really been buying much (especially clothes), and really try to save on food. Well, I've gotten older and some of my clothes don't fit. I got a pixie cut and I can't wear baggy shirts and tights anymore in lieu of looking like a guy (did I even use "lieu" correctly there). And you only see me in the sale section of stores, checking tags for anything under $19.99. Well, guess what! I NEED CLOTHES. I mean, not need like a lot of other people need them (which makes me feel so spoiled sometimes and is another reason I don't buy clothes), but need like I'm uncomfortable in a lot of the clothes I actually have. And let me tell you, I have a lot, which also discourages me from buying more (even though most of them are hand-me-downs from my mom and I haven't actually bought them myself). I'm thinking about shopping at second hand and vintage stores more though, to reduce waste in the environment (I am vegan after all ;) Also I got a black cardigan from Urban Outfitters, spent more than I usually would on it, and I love it.

-surround myself with (slightly) different people
     I've realized these past few months that I have this one friend who always makes me uncomfortable, annoyed, and often insecure about myself. I'm pretty sure she doesn't do it intentionally, and it's more of an internal thing, but I've been trying to get over it for a while now. And I start to wonder why my other friends don't make me feel like that (even though sometimes they do and I definitely know at that point that it's an internal thing). I used to have a friend like this. We were only friends because our parents were? Anyways long story short, trip to Greece together, big fight, we're not friends anymore. I feel so much better. I'm not constantly judged for things I do, being too cheery, eating "too much" (fuck you). Now this other friend, I feel like all she does is talk about herself, worry about herself. She brings herself down in a lot of aspects, and I look at myself thinking, I have fucking less than what you have should I fucking feel worse about myself? She worries a lot about superficial aspects (how she looks, her weight, acne, her boobs), and it's just a lot of negative energy that I don't need at this point. When I have someone like that near me constantly complaining about things like that, it almost unconsciously settles in my mind that those things are important and I should be worrying about them too. Like I have acne too, I'm not even as skinny as you, my boobs are small too (even though hers grew and she sent me a pic to inform me about it!! -not as weird as you think) but I don't spend every second of my life fucking worrying about shit like that. And if you do then please don't push that onto me, because I've always said how it's not important, I've tried to help you get over worrying about it, and if you still care about it then fine but don't expect me to. I feel like she goes through life playing so hard to get and sometimes acting like she's so much better than everybody. I'm really exaggerating but it's just this vibe I've gotten off of her for a while now. I feel like she intentionally ignores people so they think more highly of her, like her answering a text or laughing at something you say should be a fucking honor for you. That whole hard to get attitude conflicts with my openness and honesty with people I guess. I feel like sometimes she looks at me like I'm ten. And when I think about it, I've never really felt a sense of closeness to her, like she'd do anything nice for me, or try to help me out with something, or even really care about my feelings. But then I also know that a part of her personality is like that, and that's completely fine. But I just think having her play a huge role in my life isn't what I need.

-DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE
     Wow I can't stress this one enough. I used to be at least 10-15 lbs skinnier than I am now, noticeably. I haven't weighed myself in months but I'm sure I was skinner before. I also remember, at that time, comparing myself to girls who were way skinner, way more toned than me. And I felt like shit about myself. Now? I'm probably less self conscious than I was then. Honestly, comparing yourself to others gets you no where, because there'll always be someone better, skinnier, different. And you'll always think you need that. But when you stop and think about it, who the fuck cares that you don't have a thigh-gap and the other girl does? Who the fuck cares that your stomach isn't as flat as hers? Sometimes I find myself comparing my friend (the one up there) to me, and that really fucks up my life. I notice her hard to get attitude, and try to do it myself, because it really pisses me off how that really works on people, and how they give her so much attention and almost praise her like she's fucking god or something. I try to ignore people like she does sometimes, thinking that'll make me more likable. What the fuck? If it takes being a bitch like that to have people like me, then I'd rather be ignored by those people and liked by the ones who appreciate honesty, kindness, attention, rather than thinking life is a fucking game and in order to be friends with someone you have to win them over.
...(straying from topic)...
Then again, I was being all open and silly and honesty with one of my friends, and he slowly started to completely treat me like shit. He didn't listen to anything I said, he never took me or what I said seriously, and he pretty much didn't respect me as a person let alone a friend. I'm not really talking to him now, and I don't want to for a while. I easily forgive people and I've forgiven him a few times before, and that just makes it worse. But I forgive easily because I really never got offended before. I would laugh at myself so much, and I didn't take what he said seriously. But at this point it had become so bad that I was getting offended and even hurt. I've noticed that even though it's great to be open and honest, I shouldn't do it to the point of losing respect for myself. I'm a person with opinions and thoughts and value, and just because I'm silly doesn't mean you could just laugh at what I say and put it aside. (I love how Phoebe from Friends has the best of both worlds. Sometimes when I watch Friends I think, my friends aren't fucking like that). I need to find a balance between being open and honest and silly with people, and having a serious nature about me where people respect my thoughts and opinions and take me seriously as a person.

-not try to be friends with people just for the sake of being more "social" or "liked"
     I know a group when I see one, and I try way too hard to be friends with them. Not really be friends with them but just have them like me. And I realized recently that those groups are never going to change, and most of them don't even bother to talk to you. I've tried so hard to come off a certain way to people who aren't close to me, just to have them like me, laugh at things I say, want to be friends with me. But honestly, it wastes so much of my life, takes up so much of my time, and I have better things to do this year. So fuck you haha.

I feel like by the end of this I've really devalued cuss words. Ugh fuck. 

Happy New Year ;)

WHY YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING, EVER

When I see this, or, every time I remember this, I get happy. Now, that's because I whole-heartedly believe what it's saying. And if you don't believe it, you're probably thinking it's impossible, which is fairly normal considering how we grow up in society. It's almost like all we're ever taught growing up is to worry, and how to worry, and when to worry, but never why. And when we grow up, we sort of have it ingrained in us already. We're supposed to be worrying about something at any given moment, not even knowing why, and we start to worry if we're not worrying about something, wondering if there's something we should be worried about.
But now I kind of want to break down what it is we're really worried about. We're worried about grades, where we're going to go to school, how much money we're going to have, where we're going to live, what we're going to be doing in ten years, and especially how we look. Why are we so worried about these things? Because we've established expectations for ourselves, standards of what we think is perfect, what we think our lives have to be like. And we spend every second of our lives worrying about meeting these expectations. Now I want you for a moment to get rid of all these expectations you know you've placed on yourself, get rid of your perfect school, your perfect car, your perfect image, your perfect life, and just see yourself right now, in the present moment. Do you really have anything to worry about?
What we do too often is try to control the natural way of life, with these ideal images in our heads of how we think life should be. But have you ever thought that maybe if you didn't have all these expectations on how you want your life to turn out, just let life take its course and whatever happens happens, then you wouldn't be so worried about everything, and you could actually enjoy whatever life threw your way, because it was probably meant to be anyways. And when I think about how much I want to get into NYU and move to New York and live there, I do get excited, but I don't really worry about it. Because even if I don't get in and I end up somewhere completely different, it's probably where I was meant to be in the first place because sometimes, life knows a lot more than you do.

I think I stepped in a big o'l puddle of crazy glue

I feel very stagnate. Not really mentally, more-so physically, like I want to go to so many places but can't. I've always wanted to go on a road trip. I don't quite know how to drive yet, or let's just say I'm not technically qualified for it. I'm scared to hitchhike. I don't want to spend a lot of (my mom's) money and time having her take me places I want to go, or buy plane tickets for me to travel. And most importantly I really don't have anyone to travel (or road trip; when I say travel I generally mean close-by places, not too far yet) with. And I can go alone, I mean, it's possible, but let's be honest do I really want to, no. And really I feel like everyone around me is busy, has somewhere else they "need" to be, is too cold, is "sick", would rather go shopping, would rather study for a test that's next week. And I mean I'm kind of picky with who I go with, but not necessarily.. most are in my circle of friends anyways. But really everyone is just "too busy" with other things, and soon enough they'll go to college where they'll most likely drown themselves in their studies of which they're not even the least bit interested in and are just learning to get a degree and get a job and make money only to retire 40 years later and THEN do what I want to do now. Any who I'm not really on that track. I mean I do plan to go to college, and I really have my hopes set on NYU. That's pretty bad actually, the fact that I have my hopes set on it. And if it doesn't happen I'll have to get all upset and reevaluate everything and stuff. I mean I'm usually pretty go with the flow you know what I mean. But a few months ago I really didn't want to even go to college and I was immersed in my plans after high school not involving a day of college at all. But something about that idea didn't really sit too well with me. And after talking to one of my old teachers for a bit a realized college may not be satan's primary resting lodge after all. And long story short I think that if I don't really have any hopes set on any college I might fall back into not wanting to go, because honestly it's not that I really want to go to college—it's that I want to go to NYU, and if it doesn't work out I'll be really confused and stuff you know. That's okay too I guess. I was looking around online and came across an Instagram account @arnaudjeangirard I hope I spelled that right. Okay I just checked, it's right. Anyways, all his photos from him road tripping in the US really inspired me. Wow, I want to do that! Back to my road tripping fantasies, I've really wanted to do it along Route 66 specifically, for minor reasons probably. But those old south-western feels of this country really bring back childhood memories (probably because of movies. I've never lived in those areas really). But anyways, I feel glued to the ground almost. Like I want to go to all of these places and be independent and shit but I literally can't. Well I mean I CAN but it's just not in optimum or even close to optimum conditions. And that doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I'd have to do it alone. And that might be possible in a few years, just not now. His Instagram page also made me realize, once again, how much I love photography. I mean I love a lot of forms of art, don't get me wrong, and I refuse to choose one to focus my "career" on in the future at this point. But something about photography (and designing) just really sit so comfortably with me and give me goosebumps. I love it. I love the drama you can create from the simplest moments of life. How you can make life look so different in so many different ways, or, on the other end of the spectrum, capture a moment or idea so perfectly and aptly that it's almost better than the reality behind the lens. And I don't know why I'm being such a lazy ass with photography especially, considering the fact that I have a pretty amazing and good quality camera and that's all I really need, right. But not really, because my pretentious self keeps saying I need a better environment, more inspiration, a different environment even. And I guess that's partly right, and all of those are related. Different environments inspire me more, and are generally better because they seem more interesting since I'm not surrounded by it everyday, unlike my current situation. But then again I don't even photograph when I go to these environments, I guess because I care too much about what others around me might think, how they might laugh and think I'm just a little 17 year old girl thinking I'm so fucking hipster and taking photos of palm trees only to later edit them and post them on my Instagram with caption "LA vibes".
Gonna go take some photos now. #LAvibes

the original title made me cringe

I was really inspired to start writing this by Steph Yu (aka happyandhealthy96). And not to say that she's really a special case or anything, because I find myself getting inspired by so many people every day. It's like every month I find a new instagrammer or blogger to get so utterly inspired by that I almost model my life entire life after them, how they eat, what they do. But Steph has inspired me in a different way; a way that makes me want to model not just the insignificant things after her, but on a general scale the way she lives her life. Two months ago she started traveling all through Australia and New Zealand I believe, and after literally reading every single blog post documenting her travels, I'm kind of at a loss for words. She often describes this concept of living until you can't live anymore; like at the end of each day you feel like you've lived as much as you could possibly have lived that day. And I can't think of any better way to live life. I've always loved that feeling, in smaller scales. Like some days where I was so busy and had things to do all day, going from one thing to the next, never stopping in between, and getting home past midnight feeling utterly exhausted but so thoroughly fulfilled. I felt like that when I used to intern at a bakery, working Fridays after school until night. Volunteering at a farm Saturday morning, then going straight back to the bakery to work until 10 again. Getting home utterly exhausted and sleeping in all Sunday. I remember being so tired but loving it so much. And now that I think about it, I'm definitely not living my life that way. And I sometimes even come to think that I'm actually wasting time at school, repeating my monotonous routine every single day with little growth, little opportunities to challenge myself, little opportunities for change, adventure, dare I say education. And so I thought, ok, I've felt like this before, for different reasons, and I really let that get to me. All I did was cry and complain about school, and how I didn't want to go and have it hold me back from life so much. Well, besides making me more aware, that did nothing. And so now I'm actually doing something about it, or trying to. I'm trying to incorporate adventure into every aspect of my day, whenever I can. Not to say that I'm necessarily avoiding school, but I'm just not letting it get in the way of things I want to do. I want to go hiking? Why should I wait until the weekend when there are five perfectly good days before it, and so much time to do whatever I want. I want to go to the beach? Why wait for a special occasion? Why not get on a bus and go, right after school (I don't drive.......). And I took my first step in that direction Sunday, going on a spontaneous sunrise hike with my friend for four hours. That was a great day, and I felt so good afterwards; a lot better than how I feel after mindlessly doing math homework, scrolling on random webpages everyday just to pass time, and routinely engaging in my daily expected activities. At this point there's only one thing holding me back from really getting into this. People. And the fact that I don't really have too many of them to adventure with. Most of my friends are too busy with schoolwork, some are lazy, some can't hike, and most just aren't willing to wake up at 4 a.m. on a weekday to go hiking. Some are forbidden by their parents to go to a park or the beach because a stranger may murder them, and some just don't even understand what I'm trying to do. And so it's up to me to convince them that a life of adventure is a nice change once in a while, and having a homework assignment due the next day shouldn't keep you from doing something you want with the remaining 8 hours of your day after school ends.
     Aside from this, I also want to start sharing aspects of my day, but positive ones. I was recently told that if I list 3 good things about my day, and things that I'm grateful for, in 21 days (I think) I can rewire my brain to think more positively. And I'm usually the first to roll my eyes at this positivity bullshit, but for some reason this statement really resonated with me. It just makes sense, and I love the idea that we can literally change the way we look at the world just with the power of our minds and perspectives. And so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Somewhat modeled after Steph's 365 days of gratitude (which I love), I'll be sharing the positive aspects of my day, and trying to see the negative parts with a positive eye, and documenting how much of my goals I actually accomplish every day, my adventure, photos I take along the way, exciting things I do. I'm excited.
EDIT: well that shit hasn't really been happening huh.


(also I'll occasionally throw in a song of the day/week, because they usually affect my general mood of that day/week and are almost like a photograph, in that sense, of me and my life)

today's song: sweet disposition, the temper trap