INFP

I realized several things about myself today—some that I already knew but took it upon myself to forget, and some that I maybe never really thought about, or tried to unconsciously (but really, consciously) deny. I allow myself to be influenced by certain individuals. I go through phases of this, choosing different people each time, emulating their lifestyles and taking every word they say as if it were the word of my beloved god printed in gold in the humble holy bible. Then if I ever have another thought or idea, or especially desire that may conflict with their teachings or sayings, I start to guilt myself for it and immediately repress it as something that person would not agree with. As I write this out, I realize how ridiculous it seems. Writing that sentence, choosing consciously not to cuss and use the word "ridiculous" made me realize another thing. The main reason I felt so inclined to write many previous posts where I made it a goal to cuss in every other sentence was probably because I felt so restrained from doing that in my daily life, because of how others might react to my otherwise angelic image poetically pronouncing a curse word out loud. When you deny yourself the right of having a piece of chocolate cake, you want it that much more. When I denied myself the ability to speak freely, I wanted it that much more. But as I slowly and subtly got that out of my system, I realized that I don't really enjoy the act as much as I thought I did. I just hated the feeling of not being able to say it because of how others had perceived me to be throughout the years. When you allow yourself to have that chocolate cake whenever you want, you see you start to want it less and less, but it's always there if you ever do.
    I realized today that I'd been so obsessively following a certain individuals sayings for the past few months that I'd become almost obsessed with cycling, exercise, fitness and practicality, so much so that I had completely neglected things in my life that brought me pure joy and satisfaction; art, design, photography, writing, yoga, cooking, baking... I had almost labeled those things as "unproductive" because they did not  require much physical movement on my part and were therefore, useless to do. I slowly started ridding my closet of clothes and simplifying my previously decorative and rambunctious fashion sense into one of a more athletic and practical nature. I always had these thoughts arising in my mind as to whether or not my clothing was a shallow sign of greed and luxury, or a humble yet thorough expression of the inner creativity which has been waiting to be expressed within me these last few months. I unconsciously chose the former to begin with, but it took awhile to reach today, where I accepted the latter as true. And with the thought that I would go back to doing all the things I previously loved to do, I attained a very cozy and comforting feeling in my stomach, the kind I get when I hug myself and curl up underneath blankets to watch an episode of John Oliver's "Last Week Tonight" on HBO (yes, politics are all the rage in my life. not really, but I love that show). And that's when you truly know that what you're doing is right, when you FEEL it within you. That's why I always say heart and feelings over logic and rational when making decisions, no matter where they lead you.
    I realized a few days ago something that I knew many many years ago, but always felt bad about accepting or admitting. I love feeling special. I love being different and having people notice that. I love standing out and having attention on me for being different or unique. I love being the best at things, at what I do, at most things really. I want to be the best. I want to be the one that stands out, the one that's different. And I've always felt so bad about it, as if I'm entitled or deserving of something more than everyone else. But then I started to get angry about having to deny something that I feel like is such an integral part of who I am and plays a huge role in almost every single thing I do. I knew that I loved the feeling of being different even in little ways a while ago, when I would do subtle things like dress in strange ways or always try to do something different for a writing or art assignment. But I always felt bad about it, mainly because of the way other people made me feel, claiming I was doing it to get attention or directly "to be different" (sitting on the floor was another one of my acts). Well guess fucking what, I WAS. Obviously I was doing it to be different. Obviously when I try to do an art assignment different from anyone else's, I'M TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT. And here's what I'm thinking now: why wouldn't anyone want to be different? I get that some people just love fitting in and following a crowd (even though I feel like most grow out of that) but in any other case why wouldn't you want to be special? Why wouldn't you want to be your own unique individual, different from everyone else? I always thought, why do I get to be special/different? Why me and not anyone else? Well because I want to, and I choose to. I think most people do want to feel special and have attention, but deny it most of the time, making them come off as fake and hypocritical when they act in ways that are designed to draw attention and express their uniqueness. I think it's when we learn to accept our inner and I'll even go as far as saying NATURAL desire to be different that we can truly be real with ourselves and others, and not throw guilt or shame on ourselves for being who we want to be and doing what we want to do. Just a little situation that made me realize my desire to be different was a few minutes ago when I decided to retake the Myer's Brigg personality test, which I'd taken a few months ago and gotten INFP, quite a rare personality type. I loved it. I loved the fact that it was rare and different and not many people had it, and I was SO THREATENED to take it again and get something else, something more COMMON. I didn't want it, but decided to take it again anyways as a means of accepting whatever I got and whoever I'd turned into within these months (I'm really being overdramatic. It's just a personality test and doesn't really determine who you are or label you in any way, but I do find it quaintly accurate). Anyways, I got the same thing.
    I realized today after taking the personality test and continuing on to read a little bit about my personality type that I love feeling understood as an individual and it's not often at all that it happens. I realized this as I was reading things about the INFP personality type that I identified so dearly with, and almost wanted to cry. I think I've cried before when reading things about myself or in general things I could relate to and felt so understood. It's not often that it happens at all. As I'm typing this I realize how much I've missed writing, thinking, exploring my thoughts and feeling so special with my thoughts. Yes I feel special. Come kill me right now so your own individuality and power isn't threatened.
     I'm continuing this a few days later. I love crying. I love crying when I'm sad, but especially when I'm happy. I'm slowly working on accepting myself, or moreso trying to remember who I am from how I used to be or what things make me cry. I watched an America's Got Talent audition in the morning, where a very passionate Italian man from Long Island (I hope you've formed the perfect stereotype in your head, because that's exactly how it was) auditioned, got sent through, and passionately hugged his cousin/brother (I don't remember) and family. My mom said "you're like that", in reference to the hugging, and the passion, the excitement, and the love they felt for each other. And I started crying. I realized that I am like that. I've always been like that. I've always loved, I've loved people, I've loved excitement and passion, feeling happy, looking forward to things or showing joy and enthusiasm towards others or events. I remember my young self, always jumping on people and hugging them, wanting to talk to them, laugh with them, play with them. I remember the years that part of me slowly started to fade away and why. It was my fault, everything is my fault really, whether good or bad. However I'll explain what exactly I was reacting to. I had a friend that I'd known since kindergarten, and I always showed my enthusiasm and love towards her. I was a happy person, and she didn't necessarily make as much of an effort to show the same. She always attempted to kill my enthusiasm, which evidently annoyed her greatly. She turned down my requests to play, my hugs, my happiness. And I allowed that to affect me. I was too young then and not yet knowledgable enough to allow the meaningless words and comments of others to stop me from being who I was. Silly me! It took a while, it took several other people, family members, friends, anyone, to act in similar ways—to make me slowly and gradually realize that I was putting a lot more effort into others than they were into me. That my stream of daily ignored texts or laughter that resulted in the annoyance of others and love that resulted in passive responses was possibly a weakening of my own character—that from an outsider's perspective, I was the one deserving of pity, the one who put all her effort into others, events, tasks, only to get not even half of it in return. I started to base my life around how it looked to an outsider's eye. In more simple words, I lived my life based on what others would think of me. That was where I made possibly the biggest mistake of my life, to this point. Hopefully I'll make bigger ones later, and blog about them as well. It was this past year that this way of living life was at its extreme, where I began to show little enthusiasm, love, joy, passion, so as to not make myself vulnerable or susceptible to rejection. And it is true, it's not a great thing to feel. The one thing I never realized however, is that when I was small, my enthusiasm and love was never for the intention of eliciting a similar response in others. No expectations were tied to my glimmering laughs and smiles. I showed love and passion and enthusiasm because it's what I wanted to do, it's what I loved doing and what made me happy. I didn't care much how others responded, but after years of surrounding myself with people who did not always respond similarly, I did allow it to get to me. I needed to change my surroundings, change my friends to people who enjoy being with me just as much as I enjoy being with them, and I'm still trying to accept the fact that that's even possible anymore—that's how much I've allowed all these constant rejections to get to me. I now feel like it's almost impossible to find someone like that, but I'll let you know if I do. I still feel that love for people, I still feel that passion towards life, it never really left me, just hid behind an ego formed by the many demands of society and a slightly lacking surrounding of people. And now what I have to work on is bringing that out of me again, not worrying about how I'm perceived by an outside eye, and most of the time, not acting to elicit a certain response, but rather because that is how I want to act. (I realized this last paragraph may be slightly unrelated, but it's also part of the trend of realizations I'm having about myself) (also I forgot to mention that the video I watched also made me realize how much I LOVE Italy. I've always felt like it's a fake sort of love, one everyone slightly has towards the main-stream, towards Europe and places other than where they currently are. But I don't think so, I think it's different.)
Here's the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g--5NH8E9Wc