WHY YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING, EVER

When I see this, or, every time I remember this, I get happy. Now, that's because I whole-heartedly believe what it's saying. And if you don't believe it, you're probably thinking it's impossible, which is fairly normal considering how we grow up in society. It's almost like all we're ever taught growing up is to worry, and how to worry, and when to worry, but never why. And when we grow up, we sort of have it ingrained in us already. We're supposed to be worrying about something at any given moment, not even knowing why, and we start to worry if we're not worrying about something, wondering if there's something we should be worried about.
But now I kind of want to break down what it is we're really worried about. We're worried about grades, where we're going to go to school, how much money we're going to have, where we're going to live, what we're going to be doing in ten years, and especially how we look. Why are we so worried about these things? Because we've established expectations for ourselves, standards of what we think is perfect, what we think our lives have to be like. And we spend every second of our lives worrying about meeting these expectations. Now I want you for a moment to get rid of all these expectations you know you've placed on yourself, get rid of your perfect school, your perfect car, your perfect image, your perfect life, and just see yourself right now, in the present moment. Do you really have anything to worry about?
What we do too often is try to control the natural way of life, with these ideal images in our heads of how we think life should be. But have you ever thought that maybe if you didn't have all these expectations on how you want your life to turn out, just let life take its course and whatever happens happens, then you wouldn't be so worried about everything, and you could actually enjoy whatever life threw your way, because it was probably meant to be anyways. And when I think about how much I want to get into NYU and move to New York and live there, I do get excited, but I don't really worry about it. Because even if I don't get in and I end up somewhere completely different, it's probably where I was meant to be in the first place because sometimes, life knows a lot more than you do.

I think I stepped in a big o'l puddle of crazy glue

I feel very stagnate. Not really mentally, more-so physically, like I want to go to so many places but can't. I've always wanted to go on a road trip. I don't quite know how to drive yet, or let's just say I'm not technically qualified for it. I'm scared to hitchhike. I don't want to spend a lot of (my mom's) money and time having her take me places I want to go, or buy plane tickets for me to travel. And most importantly I really don't have anyone to travel (or road trip; when I say travel I generally mean close-by places, not too far yet) with. And I can go alone, I mean, it's possible, but let's be honest do I really want to, no. And really I feel like everyone around me is busy, has somewhere else they "need" to be, is too cold, is "sick", would rather go shopping, would rather study for a test that's next week. And I mean I'm kind of picky with who I go with, but not necessarily.. most are in my circle of friends anyways. But really everyone is just "too busy" with other things, and soon enough they'll go to college where they'll most likely drown themselves in their studies of which they're not even the least bit interested in and are just learning to get a degree and get a job and make money only to retire 40 years later and THEN do what I want to do now. Any who I'm not really on that track. I mean I do plan to go to college, and I really have my hopes set on NYU. That's pretty bad actually, the fact that I have my hopes set on it. And if it doesn't happen I'll have to get all upset and reevaluate everything and stuff. I mean I'm usually pretty go with the flow you know what I mean. But a few months ago I really didn't want to even go to college and I was immersed in my plans after high school not involving a day of college at all. But something about that idea didn't really sit too well with me. And after talking to one of my old teachers for a bit a realized college may not be satan's primary resting lodge after all. And long story short I think that if I don't really have any hopes set on any college I might fall back into not wanting to go, because honestly it's not that I really want to go to college—it's that I want to go to NYU, and if it doesn't work out I'll be really confused and stuff you know. That's okay too I guess. I was looking around online and came across an Instagram account @arnaudjeangirard I hope I spelled that right. Okay I just checked, it's right. Anyways, all his photos from him road tripping in the US really inspired me. Wow, I want to do that! Back to my road tripping fantasies, I've really wanted to do it along Route 66 specifically, for minor reasons probably. But those old south-western feels of this country really bring back childhood memories (probably because of movies. I've never lived in those areas really). But anyways, I feel glued to the ground almost. Like I want to go to all of these places and be independent and shit but I literally can't. Well I mean I CAN but it's just not in optimum or even close to optimum conditions. And that doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I'd have to do it alone. And that might be possible in a few years, just not now. His Instagram page also made me realize, once again, how much I love photography. I mean I love a lot of forms of art, don't get me wrong, and I refuse to choose one to focus my "career" on in the future at this point. But something about photography (and designing) just really sit so comfortably with me and give me goosebumps. I love it. I love the drama you can create from the simplest moments of life. How you can make life look so different in so many different ways, or, on the other end of the spectrum, capture a moment or idea so perfectly and aptly that it's almost better than the reality behind the lens. And I don't know why I'm being such a lazy ass with photography especially, considering the fact that I have a pretty amazing and good quality camera and that's all I really need, right. But not really, because my pretentious self keeps saying I need a better environment, more inspiration, a different environment even. And I guess that's partly right, and all of those are related. Different environments inspire me more, and are generally better because they seem more interesting since I'm not surrounded by it everyday, unlike my current situation. But then again I don't even photograph when I go to these environments, I guess because I care too much about what others around me might think, how they might laugh and think I'm just a little 17 year old girl thinking I'm so fucking hipster and taking photos of palm trees only to later edit them and post them on my Instagram with caption "LA vibes".
Gonna go take some photos now. #LAvibes

the original title made me cringe

I was really inspired to start writing this by Steph Yu (aka happyandhealthy96). And not to say that she's really a special case or anything, because I find myself getting inspired by so many people every day. It's like every month I find a new instagrammer or blogger to get so utterly inspired by that I almost model my life entire life after them, how they eat, what they do. But Steph has inspired me in a different way; a way that makes me want to model not just the insignificant things after her, but on a general scale the way she lives her life. Two months ago she started traveling all through Australia and New Zealand I believe, and after literally reading every single blog post documenting her travels, I'm kind of at a loss for words. She often describes this concept of living until you can't live anymore; like at the end of each day you feel like you've lived as much as you could possibly have lived that day. And I can't think of any better way to live life. I've always loved that feeling, in smaller scales. Like some days where I was so busy and had things to do all day, going from one thing to the next, never stopping in between, and getting home past midnight feeling utterly exhausted but so thoroughly fulfilled. I felt like that when I used to intern at a bakery, working Fridays after school until night. Volunteering at a farm Saturday morning, then going straight back to the bakery to work until 10 again. Getting home utterly exhausted and sleeping in all Sunday. I remember being so tired but loving it so much. And now that I think about it, I'm definitely not living my life that way. And I sometimes even come to think that I'm actually wasting time at school, repeating my monotonous routine every single day with little growth, little opportunities to challenge myself, little opportunities for change, adventure, dare I say education. And so I thought, ok, I've felt like this before, for different reasons, and I really let that get to me. All I did was cry and complain about school, and how I didn't want to go and have it hold me back from life so much. Well, besides making me more aware, that did nothing. And so now I'm actually doing something about it, or trying to. I'm trying to incorporate adventure into every aspect of my day, whenever I can. Not to say that I'm necessarily avoiding school, but I'm just not letting it get in the way of things I want to do. I want to go hiking? Why should I wait until the weekend when there are five perfectly good days before it, and so much time to do whatever I want. I want to go to the beach? Why wait for a special occasion? Why not get on a bus and go, right after school (I don't drive.......). And I took my first step in that direction Sunday, going on a spontaneous sunrise hike with my friend for four hours. That was a great day, and I felt so good afterwards; a lot better than how I feel after mindlessly doing math homework, scrolling on random webpages everyday just to pass time, and routinely engaging in my daily expected activities. At this point there's only one thing holding me back from really getting into this. People. And the fact that I don't really have too many of them to adventure with. Most of my friends are too busy with schoolwork, some are lazy, some can't hike, and most just aren't willing to wake up at 4 a.m. on a weekday to go hiking. Some are forbidden by their parents to go to a park or the beach because a stranger may murder them, and some just don't even understand what I'm trying to do. And so it's up to me to convince them that a life of adventure is a nice change once in a while, and having a homework assignment due the next day shouldn't keep you from doing something you want with the remaining 8 hours of your day after school ends.
     Aside from this, I also want to start sharing aspects of my day, but positive ones. I was recently told that if I list 3 good things about my day, and things that I'm grateful for, in 21 days (I think) I can rewire my brain to think more positively. And I'm usually the first to roll my eyes at this positivity bullshit, but for some reason this statement really resonated with me. It just makes sense, and I love the idea that we can literally change the way we look at the world just with the power of our minds and perspectives. And so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Somewhat modeled after Steph's 365 days of gratitude (which I love), I'll be sharing the positive aspects of my day, and trying to see the negative parts with a positive eye, and documenting how much of my goals I actually accomplish every day, my adventure, photos I take along the way, exciting things I do. I'm excited.
EDIT: well that shit hasn't really been happening huh.


(also I'll occasionally throw in a song of the day/week, because they usually affect my general mood of that day/week and are almost like a photograph, in that sense, of me and my life)

today's song: sweet disposition, the temper trap