This year I thought it'd be fun to actually have some, and not be as paranoid about it you know. So I think I texted mine to my friend, but I keep forgetting most of them. So I thought, you know, let me write them down. I might even come up with a few more throughout this process. And I know that if I mess up (which I kind of have maybe), it's fine. It's a work in progress and it's gonna take time and we have to do it slowly and all that bs (even though it's true). Okay her they are.
-be more positive, as in see the bright side of things, as in don't let small things get to me or make assumptions
This is probably three different things but I put it into one because otherwise that long list would've discouraged me. Basically, when my mom comes home with a bag of almonds that she bought for $8.99 a pound when I could get them from another store for $5.99, instead of thinking "oh my god this lady doesn't care about anything why is she even buying almonds I don't need them", I think "wow that's so sweet of her, going to the store to buy almonds for me after work". And maybe I mention that they sell them cheaper at the other store for next time. But if she makes a face then I won't mention it.
Now I think the assumption thing is a good one, and kind of ties in with not letting small things get to me. If my friend doesn't answer my text even though she read it, I don't assume that she hates me, or is annoyed of me. Really, who even cares? I'm making such a big deal out of it. If it becomes a constant act, I just don't talk to her as much and move on, instead of beating MYSELF up about it. When I meet new people, I don't automatically assume they're going to think I'm weird, or quiet, and not like me. And I don't go with the assumption that they already think they're better than me, or they're complete bitches who are only there to judge me. I go in with almost a careless attitude like hey, I'm meeting new people nice.
-don't base every living moment of my life on what others might think of it.
Should I raise my hand and ask this question, or will people think I'm showing off? Should I say my opinion, or will people ignore me and think I'm pretentious? Should I go to this party that I want to go to, or will people question why I'm even there? (this one is questionable). Should I just sit alone here and wait for my friend to come back, or should I walk away and find another friend or look busy so people don't think I'm a loner? WHO THE FUCK CARES. Honestly. Why have I been wasting such a big part of my life worrying about the stupidest things ever. I've kept myself from doing so much just because of what people might say. Literally, I don't ask questions in class because of this, even because people are used to me being generally quiet and might question why I'm even talking. So what I'm gonna try to do is literally not give a single shit about what others might think. Sure it'll make some people annoyed of me, it'll make some not like me, but it'll also attract others who do like me, my thoughts, my opinions and my goddamn questions in calculus class.
-don't stick onto (too much) this image I've formed and let it hold me back.
Sure, I'm known as the quiet one, the often silly one, the sarcastic one, the smart one, the hippie/creative one (I like that one). Let me tell you, I'm not quiet. The only reason people think I'm quiet is because I DON'T LIKE THEM AND THEIR JUDGMENTAL ASSES. I'm also known as the one who never cusses (they don't hear me at home speaking Armenian) but no one knows about this blog. If they did they'd immediately draw attention to me cussing, make me feel uncomfortable about it like I just popped out of the womb and started singing contemporary rock. I don't like it when people cuss every second, when every other word that comes out of their mouths is a cuss word. They're really diminishing the value of the words, in my opinion. And literally the only single reason I don't cuss is because the immature imbeciles in my class will overreact to the max about it (even my friends which pisses me off the most). Like I'm some sort of angel child who cusses to look tough and fit in. Then what the fuck are you? So back to my far away point. I'm going to try my hardest to ignore this image others have created of me (and I've somewhat created of myself too) and act however I feel like acting. This'll be so much easier once I graduate though, and move to New York and start over. I've never really understood that feeling of starting over so much until now, and I'm honestly so excited to get the fuck out of here (I'll be sad too though).
-join a dance class. go in without assumptions. don't be shy AT ALL, I MEAN IT. AT ALL. Go in and dance because you really love dancing. Don't spend every second of class thinking about how you're doing something so awkwardly and how everyone is(n't) judging you. Talk to the people there. Don't assume they're pretentious spoiled brats.
There's a class today. I finally found a place that's okay and fits most of my preferences (but I don't think there are guy dancers, which I was kind of hoping for so I could have a duet with one of them once I got better. Inspired after watching this masterpiece of a dance.
-not be cheap
Short and simple. I'm cheap. I used to spend (waste) so much money and stupid clothes that I really didn't need. For almost a year now, I've become minimalistic kind of, haven't really been buying much (especially clothes), and really try to save on food. Well, I've gotten older and some of my clothes don't fit. I got a pixie cut and I can't wear baggy shirts and tights anymore in lieu of looking like a guy (did I even use "lieu" correctly there). And you only see me in the sale section of stores, checking tags for anything under $19.99. Well, guess what! I NEED CLOTHES. I mean, not need like a lot of other people need them (which makes me feel so spoiled sometimes and is another reason I don't buy clothes), but need like I'm uncomfortable in a lot of the clothes I actually have. And let me tell you, I have a lot, which also discourages me from buying more (even though most of them are hand-me-downs from my mom and I haven't actually bought them myself). I'm thinking about shopping at second hand and vintage stores more though, to reduce waste in the environment (I am vegan after all ;) Also I got a black cardigan from Urban Outfitters, spent more than I usually would on it, and I love it.
-surround myself with (slightly) different people
I've realized these past few months that I have this one friend who always makes me uncomfortable, annoyed, and often insecure about myself. I'm pretty sure she doesn't do it intentionally, and it's more of an internal thing, but I've been trying to get over it for a while now. And I start to wonder why my other friends don't make me feel like that (even though sometimes they do and I definitely know at that point that it's an internal thing). I used to have a friend like this. We were only friends because our parents were? Anyways long story short, trip to Greece together, big fight, we're not friends anymore. I feel so much better. I'm not constantly judged for things I do, being too cheery, eating "too much" (fuck you). Now this other friend, I feel like all she does is talk about herself, worry about herself. She brings herself down in a lot of aspects, and I look at myself thinking, I have fucking less than what you have should I fucking feel worse about myself? She worries a lot about superficial aspects (how she looks, her weight, acne, her boobs), and it's just a lot of negative energy that I don't need at this point. When I have someone like that near me constantly complaining about things like that, it almost unconsciously settles in my mind that those things are important and I should be worrying about them too. Like I have acne too, I'm not even as skinny as you, my boobs are small too (even though hers grew and she sent me a pic to inform me about it!! -not as weird as you think) but I don't spend every second of my life fucking worrying about shit like that. And if you do then please don't push that onto me, because I've always said how it's not important, I've tried to help you get over worrying about it, and if you still care about it then fine but don't expect me to. I feel like she goes through life playing so hard to get and sometimes acting like she's so much better than everybody. I'm really exaggerating but it's just this vibe I've gotten off of her for a while now. I feel like she intentionally ignores people so they think more highly of her, like her answering a text or laughing at something you say should be a fucking honor for you. That whole hard to get attitude conflicts with my openness and honesty with people I guess. I feel like sometimes she looks at me like I'm ten. And when I think about it, I've never really felt a sense of closeness to her, like she'd do anything nice for me, or try to help me out with something, or even really care about my feelings. But then I also know that a part of her personality is like that, and that's completely fine. But I just think having her play a huge role in my life isn't what I need.
-DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE
Wow I can't stress this one enough. I used to be at least 10-15 lbs skinnier than I am now, noticeably. I haven't weighed myself in months but I'm sure I was skinner before. I also remember, at that time, comparing myself to girls who were way skinner, way more toned than me. And I felt like shit about myself. Now? I'm probably less self conscious than I was then. Honestly, comparing yourself to others gets you no where, because there'll always be someone better, skinnier, different. And you'll always think you need that. But when you stop and think about it, who the fuck cares that you don't have a thigh-gap and the other girl does? Who the fuck cares that your stomach isn't as flat as hers? Sometimes I find myself comparing my friend (the one up there) to me, and that really fucks up my life. I notice her hard to get attitude, and try to do it myself, because it really pisses me off how that really works on people, and how they give her so much attention and almost praise her like she's fucking god or something. I try to ignore people like she does sometimes, thinking that'll make me more likable. What the fuck? If it takes being a bitch like that to have people like me, then I'd rather be ignored by those people and liked by the ones who appreciate honesty, kindness, attention, rather than thinking life is a fucking game and in order to be friends with someone you have to win them over.
...(straying from topic)...
Then again, I was being all open and silly and honesty with one of my friends, and he slowly started to completely treat me like shit. He didn't listen to anything I said, he never took me or what I said seriously, and he pretty much didn't respect me as a person let alone a friend. I'm not really talking to him now, and I don't want to for a while. I easily forgive people and I've forgiven him a few times before, and that just makes it worse. But I forgive easily because I really never got offended before. I would laugh at myself so much, and I didn't take what he said seriously. But at this point it had become so bad that I was getting offended and even hurt. I've noticed that even though it's great to be open and honest, I shouldn't do it to the point of losing respect for myself. I'm a person with opinions and thoughts and value, and just because I'm silly doesn't mean you could just laugh at what I say and put it aside. (I love how Phoebe from Friends has the best of both worlds. Sometimes when I watch Friends I think, my friends aren't fucking like that). I need to find a balance between being open and honest and silly with people, and having a serious nature about me where people respect my thoughts and opinions and take me seriously as a person.
-not try to be friends with people just for the sake of being more "social" or "liked"
I know a group when I see one, and I try way too hard to be friends with them. Not really be friends with them but just have them like me. And I realized recently that those groups are never going to change, and most of them don't even bother to talk to you. I've tried so hard to come off a certain way to people who aren't close to me, just to have them like me, laugh at things I say, want to be friends with me. But honestly, it wastes so much of my life, takes up so much of my time, and I have better things to do this year. So fuck you haha.
I feel like by the end of this I've really devalued cuss words. Ugh fuck.
Happy New Year ;)
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